Am really upset and feel betrayed. Please advise.

My boyfriend hid the fact that he is diabetic from me for 2 years. Initially we met thru a matrimonial site 3 years back, but since we lived in different cities, we were just able to meet a few times but talked on the phone 3 to 4 times every day, and hours at a stretch. Slowly we started liking each other to the extent that, over the past 2 years, we were considering marriage and discussing the finalities of it. We were inseparable and confided to each other about each and everything. However, a few days back, he and his Mom were in my city for some other work and they came over for a visit. I made tea for them and asked his Mom if she would like tea with no sugar (as he had told me she is a diabetic). She said yes and told me not to put any sugar in her son's (my boyfriend's) tea either because, in her words, "sugar is poison for him". I was very puzzled and thought I hadn't heard her correctly, so asked her to clarify, and she told me he had diabetes. Since he wasn't in the room, I went to the other room where he was and asked him if this was true, but still not believing it (because, according to me, if he had such a serious medical condition such as diabetes, he would have at least mentioned it to me once in the last 3 years). He asked me if his mom actually said that and then admitted, "Yes, I was diagnosed with diabetes 2 years back but it is completely controlled". I asked, what does that mean? He said, “I take medicines everyday to control it, so it’s controlled.” I asked “But you are still diabetic right?” He said “yes”. I was completely shocked and shattered at this -- not so much at the fact that he is diabetic, but that he had been hiding this from me over the last 2 years, while still talking to me for hours 3 or 4 times every day. He would always tell about his mom’s diabetes, but in the same breath never disclosed his own. And here I was, thinking he was my best friend, my everything, to whom I had told everything about myself too. Now when I think back, I remember that whenever we used to go out, he used to not take sugar in his coffee/tea or would only take salt in his lemonade. He used to decline eating the sweets/chocolate I offered him, etc. But all this while, he did all this without a word explaining WHY, making me think that he is avoiding sugar and just trying to cut calories and lose weight because of his paunch. Although he’s a great person otherwise and I would still care about him and want his happiness even if he has some medical problem, because it’s possible for any such thing to happen after marriage too or as one gets older and no one can help that. That is, having the disease is not one’s fault; however, I feel hiding it from one’s life partner (who would be the one also responsible for taking care of him should he become sick, and the life partner has to be mentally prepared for that) amounts to dishonesty and betrayal of my openness and trust in him. My parents were also sitting in the same room when his mom mentioned his diabetes and they too were shocked and zapped to learn of it, and also asked me “But you both are very close and you said you know everything about each other?”. I think it’s okay if one hides such a chronic and serious medical condition from their friends, but certainly not from the person they are about to make their life partner. I feel betrayed and angry. Am I right in feeling so?

Now I remember he also hid that he had herpes zoster (shingles) around 6 months back. Recently when my Mom suffered from it, I told him about it and only then did he disclose he also had it 6 months back but is now ok. But I spoke to him every day during those days and he didn’t give me a clue about it. When I asked him why he didn’t disclose it back then, he said he was scared to disclose it because of its name “herpes” which could be perceived wrongly. Now I also feel that he is capable of hiding other things from me, or in not being completely honest with me, whether it being any other diseases he has, or any other thing. Please advise.

My boyfriend hid the fact that he is diabetic from me for 2 years. Initially we met thru a matrimonial site 3 years back, but since we lived in different cities, we were just able to meet a few times but talked on the phone 3 to 4 times every day, and hours at a stretch. Slowly we started liking each other to the extent that, over the past 2 years, we were considering marriage and discussing the finalities of it. We were inseparable and confided to each other about each and everything. However, a few days back, he and his Mom were in my city for some other work and they came over for a visit. I made tea for them and asked his Mom if she would like tea with no sugar (as he had told me she is a diabetic). She said yes and told me not to put any sugar in her son's (my boyfriend's) tea either because, in her words, "sugar is poison for him". I was very puzzled and thought I hadn't heard her correctly, so asked her to clarify, and she told me he had diabetes. Since he wasn't in the room, I went to the other room where he was and asked him if this was true, but still not believing it (because, according to me, if he had such a serious medical condition such as diabetes, he would have at least mentioned it to me once in the last 3 years). He asked me if his mom actually said that and then admitted, "Yes, I was diagnosed with diabetes 2 years back but it is completely controlled". I asked, what does that mean? He said, “I take medicines everyday to control it, so it’s controlled.” I asked “But you are still diabetic right?” He said “yes”. I was completely shocked and shattered at this -- not so much at the fact that he is diabetic, but that he had been hiding this from me over the last 2 years, while still talking to me for hours 3 or 4 times every day. He would always tell about his mom’s diabetes, but in the same breath never disclosed his own. And here I was, thinking he was my best friend, my everything, to whom I had told everything about myself too. Now when I think back, I remember that whenever we used to go out, he used to not take sugar in his coffee/tea or would only take salt in his lemonade. He used to decline eating the sweets/chocolate I offered him, etc. But all this while, he did all this without a word explaining WHY, making me think that he is avoiding sugar and just trying to cut calories and lose weight because of his paunch. Although he’s a great person otherwise and I would still care about him and want his happiness even if he has some medical problem, because it’s possible for any such thing to happen after marriage too or as one gets older and no one can help that. That is, having the disease is not one’s fault; however, I feel hiding it from one’s life partner (who would be the one also responsible for taking care of him should he become sick, and the life partner has to be mentally prepared for that) amounts to dishonesty and betrayal of my openness and trust in him. My parents were also sitting in the same room when his mom mentioned his diabetes and they too were shocked and zapped to learn of it, and also asked me “But you both are very close and you said you know everything about each other?”. I think it’s okay if one hides such a chronic and serious medical condition from their friends, but certainly not from the person they are about to make their life partner. I feel betrayed and angry. Am I right in feeling so?

Now I remember he also hid that he had herpes zoster (shingles) around 6 months back. Recently when my Mom suffered from it, I told him about it and only then did he disclose he also had it 6 months back but is now ok. But I spoke to him every day during those days and he didn’t give me a clue about it. When I asked him why he didn’t disclose it back then, he said he was scared to disclose it because of its name “herpes” which could be perceived wrongly. Now I also feel that he is capable of hiding other things from me, or in not being completely honest with me, whether it being any other diseases he has, or any other thing. Please advise.

Betrayed, hey u can use that opportunity and become a poet.

My boyfriend hid the fact that he is diabetic from me for 2 years. Initially we met thru a matrimonial site 3 years back, but since we lived in different cities, we were just able to meet a few times but talked on the phone 3 to 4 times every day, and hours at a stretch. Slowly we started liking each other to the extent that, over the past 2 years, we were considering marriage and discussing the finalities of it. We were inseparable and confided to each other about each and everything. However, a few days back, he and his Mom were in my city for some other work and they came over for a visit. I made tea for them and asked his Mom if she would like tea with no sugar (as he had told me she is a diabetic). She said yes and told me not to put any sugar in her son's (my boyfriend's) tea either because, in her words, "sugar is poison for him". I was very puzzled and thought I hadn't heard her correctly, so asked her to clarify, and she told me he had diabetes. Since he wasn't in the room, I went to the other room where he was and asked him if this was true, but still not believing it (because, according to me, if he had such a serious medical condition such as diabetes, he would have at least mentioned it to me once in the last 3 years). He asked me if his mom actually said that and then admitted, "Yes, I was diagnosed with diabetes 2 years back but it is completely controlled". I asked, what does that mean? He said, “I take medicines everyday to control it, so it’s controlled.” I asked “But you are still diabetic right?” He said “yes”. I was completely shocked and shattered at this -- not so much at the fact that he is diabetic, but that he had been hiding this from me over the last 2 years, while still talking to me for hours 3 or 4 times every day. He would always tell about his mom’s diabetes, but in the same breath never disclosed his own. And here I was, thinking he was my best friend, my everything, to whom I had told everything about myself too. Now when I think back, I remember that whenever we used to go out, he used to not take sugar in his coffee/tea or would only take salt in his lemonade. He used to decline eating the sweets/chocolate I offered him, etc. But all this while, he did all this without a word explaining WHY, making me think that he is avoiding sugar and just trying to cut calories and lose weight because of his paunch. Although he’s a great person otherwise and I would still care about him and want his happiness even if he has some medical problem, because it’s possible for any such thing to happen after marriage too or as one gets older and no one can help that. That is, having the disease is not one’s fault; however, I feel hiding it from one’s life partner (who would be the one also responsible for taking care of him should he become sick, and the life partner has to be mentally prepared for that) amounts to dishonesty and betrayal of my openness and trust in him. My parents were also sitting in the same room when his mom mentioned his diabetes and they too were shocked and zapped to learn of it, and also asked me “But you both are very close and you said you know everything about each other?”. I think it’s okay if one hides such a chronic and serious medical condition from their friends, but certainly not from the person they are about to make their life partner. I feel betrayed and angry. Am I right in feeling so?

Now I remember he also hid that he had herpes zoster (shingles) around 6 months back. Recently when my Mom suffered from it, I told him about it and only then did he disclose he also had it 6 months back but is now ok. But I spoke to him every day during those days and he didn’t give me a clue about it. When I asked him why he didn’t disclose it back then, he said he was scared to disclose it because of its name “herpes” which could be perceived wrongly. Now I also feel that he is capable of hiding other things from me, or in not being completely honest with me, whether it being any other diseases he has, or any other thing. Please advise.

As nightmare said, he didnt tell you because he thought he might lose you. Talk to him, make him feel that you are there for him no matter what, tell him that you care about his health and that you love him for who he is. Sit with him, make him understand, and help him out of the shell..best of luck :)

I don't agree with any of the above, because to start with, if u guys talked so much everyday, went out, loved eachother etc. only a fool(sorry) would not tell such an important fact just because he thought he'd loose you if he did tell you. If you're together and you love eachother then he should've felt completely comfortable with you and tell you know matter what.
Instead of thinking ''If i tell her she might leave me''(which is crazy cuz u never would if u really love him) he should have thought ''wow im so lucky
to be with someone who loves me like this, i can tell her everything,
even my darkest ''secrets''. It all maybe seems harsh what i'm saying, but
like you said if he was able to hid such a fact from you for such a long
time, who knows whut kind of things he's able of hiding. I mean, God forbid,
if he cheats on you..you'd probably not know either.
You need to talk to him and only when that little ''voice'' inside you
tells you it oke to move on with him eventhough he hid something like this,
that he loves you to death no matter what, only thn i'd agree to move on with him and if not..thn..well it wasn't meant to be thn:)
First you sit down alone and think about what it is you really want from life
and with whom you want to spend it, thn sit down with him and decide what it is you guys want from life and with whom you want to spend it, if you can spend it with honesty,trust and love and etc. Only thn i'd decide to move on with him, but one advice..don't let him go just cause of this because things in life..they just happen you know and obviously you love him alot that it hurts you like this and you care. That's gotta count for something na.
No need to shed a tear when you can smile, you'll be fine. Cheer up girl!;)
and if not..thn..me alwayz here na :devil_smi: lol:D

I don't agree with any of the above, because to start with, if u guys talked so much everyday, went out, loved eachother etc. only a fool(sorry) would not tell such an important fact just because he thought he'd loose you if he did tell you. If you're together and you love eachother then he should've felt completely comfortable with you and tell you know matter what.
Instead of thinking ''If i tell her she might leave me''(which is crazy cuz u never would if u really love him) he should have thought ''wow im so lucky
to be with someone who loves me like this, i can tell her everything,
even my darkest ''secrets''. It all maybe seems harsh what i'm saying, but
like you said if he was able to hid such a fact from you for such a long
time, who knows whut kind of things he's able of hiding. I mean, God forbid,
if he cheats on you..you'd probably not know either.
You need to talk to him and only when that little ''voice'' inside you
tells you it oke to move on with him eventhough he hid something like this,
that he loves you to death no matter what, only thn i'd agree to move on with him and if not..thn..well it wasn't meant to be thn:)
First you sit down alone and think about what it is you really want from life
and with whom you want to spend it, thn sit down with him and decide what it is you guys want from life and with whom you want to spend it, if you can spend it with honesty,trust and love and etc. Only thn i'd decide to move on with him, but one advice..don't let him go just cause of this because things in life..they just happen you know and obviously you love him alot that it hurts you like this and you care. That's gotta count for something na.
No need to shed a tear when you can smile, you'll be fine. Cheer up girl!;)
and if not..thn..me alwayz here na :devil_smi: lol:D

but u must understand the circumstances too...
its not easy to breakup all of a sudden, do u think she'll survive without him? she'll be able to deal with sudden change of heart... only she knows that.

i already told her she can still use that opportunity and become a poetess/poet.

i didnt say it was gonna be easy yaar
i just told her how i feel abt it and how i'd handle it..the rest is upto her:)


yupe, sadness is what gives birth to any poem..

yea! u gave her pretty good advice.

btw how many poems have u written? :wink_smil

haaaa LOL! i have written..none!:rolleyes:

what?

i thought u wrote a novel :wink_smil

Thanks for all your responses. Here's an update:

I spoke to my boyfriend and asked him some questions about his diabetes, such as how long he has had it and how he came to know about it, etc. for my own knowledge. Now he tells me that he has had it for the last 10 years (since 1997). This means he knew about it when we first started talking to each other, and has been hiding this important fact from me from Day 1. I feel very hurt, because I thought we were so close enought to not have secrets from each other (especially a medical condition that cud posssibly be inherited by any future children - I think it's a person's duty to inform their prospective life partner abt something like that).

Secondly, one other problem which is there now, is that ever since my mom came to know that he has hidden this fact from me which, according to her, should be revealed at the outset of any matrimonial talks (we had met thru a matrimonial site), she has become totally against me marrying him. She says things like he has given me a "dhoka" and i have been made a "fool" and she wonders what else he has hidden. My dad (though not as vocal as Mom) is not very keen either and says he is worried because diabetes can create a lot of complications as time goes on (this is from his observation, as my mausaji had it too, and his wife (my mausi) was always tending to his health). I still care for my boyfriend though, although I am presently confused abt what direction the future will take, as we were in the midst of working out some other factors too when I came to know abt this. However, if i decide to still go ahead with him, how do i convince my Mom, as she doesn't consider him to be trustworthy at all now? she will make it impossible for me to proceed. pls advise.

Did you ask him why he hid everything from you? Why he didnt mention it from you? I dont understand why he would hide something like diabetes from you, that should not be a problem if he has it. Thousands of people have it and still love each other hmmmph.

Thanks for all your responses. Here's an update:

I spoke to my boyfriend and asked him some questions about his diabetes, such as how long he has had it and how he came to know about it, etc. for my own knowledge. Now he tells me that he has had it for the last 10 years (since 1997). This means he knew about it when we first started talking to each other, and has been hiding this important fact from me from Day 1. I feel very hurt, because I thought we were so close enought to not have secrets from each other (especially a medical condition that cud posssibly be inherited by any future children - I think it's a person's duty to inform their prospective life partner abt something like that).

Secondly, one other problem which is there now, is that ever since my mom came to know that he has hidden this fact from me which, according to her, should be revealed at the outset of any matrimonial talks (we had met thru a matrimonial site), she has become totally against me marrying him. She says things like he has given me a "dhoka" and i have been made a "fool" and she wonders what else he has hidden. My dad (though not as vocal as Mom) is not very keen either and says he is worried because diabetes can create a lot of complications as time goes on (this is from his observation, as my mausaji had it too, and his wife (my mausi) was always tending to his health). I still care for my boyfriend though, although I am presently confused abt what direction the future will take, as we were in the midst of working out some other factors too when I came to know abt this. However, if i decide to still go ahead with him, how do i convince my Mom, as she doesn't consider him to be trustworthy at all now? she will make it impossible for me to proceed. pls advise.
The worries and disaprove from your parents' side is very understandable, because all parents want the best for their children. I can understand why your mother is against the marriege, because of what he hid from you. Your parents just don't want to see you get hurt, but i think that you first have to decide whether you want to continue your life with him or not. And if you do choose to continue with him, i'm sure with time even your parents will understand that this is what you want and he makes you happy. They will be against it at first, but times change and people change with time.
Try to look at it from their prespective and explain to them to look at it from your prespective thn both sides will see whats the best for the other.
That's all the advice i can give right now:)

its right..if it gonna create medical complications in future....best if all of u ..sit together..talk abt it...and c ..what can be done.. communication is very important in such situation... its very imp to talk and know..and decide... cause in future u might feel...u done wrong..if u dont communicate and try to know everything...so best is talk and sort out...

I asked him why he hid it from me, and he told me that he "didn't get the opportunity" to tell me. (not even once over the past 3 years?) He also said he "wasn't sure how I would react". But he admits that he made a mistake and shud have told me. He also said that everyone else knows he has diabetes...it's only me he didn't tell!!

This is the issue I am hurt about -- not that he has diabetes, but he didn't tell me something that he claims everyone else knows about. Whereas I feel that it's ok if he hadn't told others like his friends/associates, but he shud have definitely told me as we were very close.

Having a medical problem isnt one's fault. Everyone gets some problem or the other as they get older and after marriage too, and obviously you don't stop loving them -- u stay with them thru thick and thin. But if the other person is aware of some problem he has and hides something deliberately for 3 years, u question the trust /openness/closeness of the relationship, isn't it?

see frankly speaking..u cant jump to conclusions from one act or just cause he hide something from u..ya what he did was wrong in his part....but i guess he wasnt sure..abt what would be right time to confess the truth....he shuld have told before... think abt the good time u both had together...see ultimately..its u who need to decide.. what u want.. and if u both want to be together or not...Trust is an essential element to any relationship. Once that trust has been abused it takes a special to be able to find their way back...Your first priority is to handle the relationship you are in now. You need to decide whether the person you are with is the one you want...Is this relationship worth saving or turning into something you dream about?..It is a complicated situation, that's for sure! Think about what you want to do carefully before you regret your decision.

I asked him why he hid it from me, and he told me that he "didn't get the opportunity" to tell me. (not even once over the past 3 years?) He also said he "wasn't sure how I would react". But he admits that he made a mistake and shud have told me. He also said that everyone else knows he has diabetes...it's only me he didn't tell!!

This is the issue I am hurt about -- not that he has diabetes, but he didn't tell me something that he claims everyone else knows about. Whereas I feel that it's ok if he hadn't told others like his friends/associates, but he shud have definitely told me as we were very close.

Having a medical problem isnt one's fault. Everyone gets some problem or the other as they get older and after marriage too, and obviously you don't stop loving them -- u stay with them thru thick and thin. But if the other person is aware of some problem he has and hides something deliberately for 3 years, u question the trust /openness/closeness of the relationship, isn't it?

Hmm about the thing that he said he never got a chance to tell you, that part i dont believe him with but I guess he lied to you because he thought you might make a big issue out of it and leave him. There are alot of people who do that, dont marry someone who has a medical problem and I think thats what made him lie to you. Its kinda like when someone lies and then you want to tell the truth but u dont know when too because you find the other person so happy and dont want to ruien everything for them. I guess that why he backed off. So dont stress out on this, I know your hurt but this shouldnt be something you should leave him for cause he hid something like this from you.