Darkest Dawn

I slept at 1am knowing how hard it would be to get up early for soccer practice at 3:30am. Fortunately, it wasn't that hard getting up and my cell alarm went off with that stupid rooster alarm noise that is the most annoying sound I have ever heard, which is why its my preferred alarm sound. It woke me up, I pressed snooze and rested for another 10 mins before I got up and took a shower. The shower is the only place nowadays that I can think in private. My life is so public, at work, at home. I finished showering, I shaved, got my gear and went downstairs to wait for my teammate to come pick me up. I was disappointed that my cousin couldn't make it this time as he is our goalie and the 1.5 hr car ride is always fun when he's there with us. But he had work to work as his boss had asked that he come in for at 6am on a Saturday.

So I waited and 10 mins of waiting, my teammates arrived. It was three of us in one car, driving at 3:40am to go to soccer practice in Kitchener, with music blasting, having our usual conversation about how things are with family and friends. I always love the long drive and am fortunate to have teammates who are just as passionate as I am about soccer. The long drive gave me some time to think, to put my life in perspective, to think about things I love but have no time in my busy life to sit and think about. I sat in silence as my teammates chatted with each other. Realizing I was quiet, one suggested to the other that I was bored since my cousin wasn't there. I reassured them that I wasn't, knowing that not many enjoy thinking in silence as much as I do. The ride to Kitchener, you see so much, the stars are more visible than in the city. I told my teammates jokingly, do you know how crazy my family think I am to wake up this early to go with you guys to practice...not even a game, not a tournament, but a simple practice?! People who don't know me don't understand my passion for the sport and sometimes it doesn't fit my character to be so passionate about a simple sport. Usually if you play sports, people assume you wear sporty clothes most of the time, which I don't.

The weather was very cold, the windows were frozen and the roads icy. We slipped a few times going fast on the empty highway to get to the practice a few mins early and nearly hit a metal hunk on the side of the road which was the remains of a car that had been in a bad accident before we drove by. I looked at the time and realized it would be another 50 mins. I sat and thought about the summer, my life, that in 5 years a lot will change InshAllah. I thought of my life, my family, that some girl out there and that I will become one and will have kids one day and become a family. Weird, how two people living seperate lives can come together to become lovers, have children, and become soulmates. My teammates were laughing loud which caught my attention, one of them had suggested that maybe I was in love, hence my long silence. I denied, knowing it was a half lie.

We drove by a ski resort, and I made a mental note to mention snowboaring to my cousin so we can go sometime which I have totally forgotten about. I looked at the sky and realized the last time I saw stars this bright was when I was in my homeland sitting on the porch of our house talking in depth about philosophy with an uncle of mine. How fast life goes by.

We finally got off the highway and stopped at a 7-11, as its almost a ritual for all my teammates and me to have a redbull before a practice or game. I knew I would need it having only slept a little over 2 hrs. We got to the practice and realized a few cars from the team we practice with were already there. We got to the indoor field and changed, warmed up. The coach of the team we train with used to play for the national team in my homeland back before we moved out. A lot of people nowadays lie about their past and brag about things that were either made up or exaggerated. This coach however was not. The way he touched the ball, the way he dribbled, shot, passed, a man in his mid-40s playing with such passion, as a footballer I knew his feet and the way he handled the ball were evidence of his glorious past as a national team player. I have utmost respect for him even though I am certain he doesn't know how much I admire his skill. During the practice after warm up, we split into two teams and played. The two teammates I came with were being hit hard and challenged by the others, I was still nursing a thigh muscle so I was hesistant whenever I had a chance to go hard on the ball and challenge another player. Its in my psyche, everytime I want to go hard, I hold back and have been trying to snap myself out of it.

My team scored 13 goals and we destroyed the other team 13-3. The other team was arguing and bickering amongst themselves by the 9th goal. A few hrs later, practice was done, we went to a Tim Hortons to have some tea and then we drove back to Toronto.

Now, I am sitting at work, drinking Fruitopia and bored.

sigh...too long to read...

its not for you

Sometimes it eludes me how aware I am of the illusion that I am living in, yet obsessed with it at the same time.

I am a perfectionist, yet at the same time aware that my perfectionism is within the realms of an illusion. Obsessed with the smaller picture, yet aware of the bigger picture, I sometimes question whether its really a hopeless desire to become as perfect as possible in an imperfect world. By nature we are flawed even in the most flawless sense, yet attempt to confine ourselves within an image of perfectionism we often fail to realize is nothing but skin deep.

its not for you

i didnt claim it is for me....just wanted to say wht i had in my mind....

whatever f u want to read then read it f not then keep ur thoughts 2 yoself

"Its late, its night, the stars are bright"... it just keeps going through my mind, again and again.

"Work is work, nothing more nothing less" was once said... I dont agree. Work for some is meaningful. To me, the work I do seems like a waste of my life. To have the gift of being capable of doing something worthwhile yet spending that time on something that brings no value to humanity other than helping the rich get richer... I just dont think it cuts it for me and my conscience is haunting me for it. Though intentions have been to make this only temporary, it seems more and more likely that it will be over sooner rather than later...

My life is beautiful yet it is a mess. The angle I've been looking at it from lately is the latter. Almost 22, am I going through a quarter-life crisis? Most people fear chance yet I thrive on it. I think over the past several years, so many changes throughout my life have occured that when a brief period of steadiness comes, it feels like something is wrong. Just feels like everything has stalled and I'm not moving, as if im stuck.

Was having a chat to my eldest sister and we were talking about the type of girl I'd go for. I was telling her I'd go for someone strange, someone totally out of the ordinary, even someone who was really difficult to get along with as that would be a challenge in itself and it would keep things interesting. She just looked at me strangely and then replied that it would probably be interesting first few months but it would wear off. I guess there are different types of 'difficult', but for me, I guess if the person loved me, even if it was difficult, I still wouldnt truly mind, though I would if the person didnt like me. What an absurd idea, getting married to someone that didnt like me... As absurd as it is, I spend over a year wasting my time, energy and most importantly, my thoughts on liking someone that I guess fitted into that category.

I'm still trying to figure myself out, I dont know whether i'm up myself or whether i'm really not confident in myself and what others think of me. If I havent heard from a friend for a while, I just shut them out, like I might even think of them from time to time, yet I never contact them to say even just a hello or anything like that... I just move on. Perhaps its just that i'm so used to things being like that that I dont have it in me to try and keep in touch with people. I know the pitfalls of being like this, but I guess its just the way I am. I dunno...

Anyhow, I got rid of my computer from my room and its been over a good two weeks. Took it out cos I didnt want this part of my life yet here I am at 2am writing this away... plus to top it off, I bought a laptop and am picking it up tomorrow. lol, just cant escape this non-reality.

Anyhow, back to bed cos im tired...

whatever f u want to read then read it f not then keep ur thoughts 2 yoself

so cant i share my thoughts wth u???

lol ok u can

aaww thnx :D

I thought my journals were long... :confused:
I skimmed this... quickly... :D
You're from Toronto?

i stll dnt know anythng...i even ddnt skim:D but he seems friendly...:p

Sometimes it eludes me how aware I am of the illusion that I am living in, yet obsessed with it at the same time.

I am a perfectionist, yet at the same time aware that my perfectionism is within the realms of an illusion. Obsessed with the smaller picture, yet aware of the bigger picture, I sometimes question whether its really a hopeless desire to become as perfect as possible in an imperfect world. By nature we are flawed even in the most flawless sense, yet attempt to confine ourselves within an image of perfectionism we often fail to realize is nothing but skin deep.

wow...
1. thats deep
2. i feel de same abt myself..

im continuing readin yer posts and i can relate so much to the stuff yer sayin, cept im a few yrs younger and less mentally mature. lol. i guess stuff that we can relate to interests us the most eh...and this is extremly interesting. deep, meaningful and relatable. is relatable a word? lol

only bhoot reads all these long posts ...

you were also the only one who read that red death guy's stories

i read the first post too ....
football pratice 3-4 am ??? wtf .. y so early ?

only bhoot reads all these long posts ...

you were also the only one who read that red death guy's stories

believe me, theyre far more interesting than the other members' journals here. first of all, the mere fact that they know how to use proper grammar amuses me. that's rare, here on bwh.

and the content interests me..


--


lol sorry fer -conversating- in yer journal! :p lol

spammers OUT:D

lol no problem at all. at least someone is reading and understanding it

and relatable is not a word :) lol

wow...
1. thats deep
2. i feel de same abt myself..

Although I am not a perfect human and have flaws I have learnt a great deal from, I have always stood to ideals over excuses, truth over pleasure, and honesty over luxury. I don't make excuses for myself if I make a mistake, I admit the mistake and defend those who argue that such things are wrong. Its the least someone can do in a society long used to making excuses to justify their petty selves and weak souls.

I"d love to feel my body, mind and soul near to Allah izza wa jall to the point that everything I do say or think is pleasing to Him and that my entire being moves and walks by his command. Where I'm dead to my nafs and alive to Allah(swt).


The intimate bonds of humanity....


16 years ago on Eid, I remember my grandmother smiling and laughing along with me as I dragged my new toy car across the carpet floor (making woozing noises to imitate the engine)......she asked me questions about the parts of the car and what they did and I answered enthusiastically....enjoying the fact that I had an adult's attention who enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed hers........her hands fragile....her face marked with wrinkles.....a soft skin that spoke of memories, experiences, emotions.......much of which had happened long before my time....long before my birth......she passed away less than 10 years later (God rest her soul)......my only door to understanding my grandmother....being those little stories we shared, those small moments I had with her....those gentle laughs and fragile hands......fragile in appearance but very determined at heart...tickling me when I was sad, peeling an orange for me to snack on when I was thirsty, gently rubbing my back when I was coughing.....her hands did so much....her face smiled so often....

Hey you're afghan rite? i've never seen an afghan like you lol:o,most afghans i know are stupid people just like sameer!:D
it's great how you can put those deep thots of yours into words, really nice:)
I read your first post about soccer, i sooo recognize that, i have brothers who love soccer too, it drives me crazyyy!!!!!!
anywayz..bye:D

ohhh sameer...did u read this...:p

I hope he has:D
Incase he hasnt..i'll say it again> Sameer you are stupid!:)

woww challenging girl.....:D

STUPID= Super Talented Unique Person In Demand:D

lol no problem at all. at least someone is reading and understanding it

and relatable is not a word :) lol

of course it isnt! lol


Although I am not a perfect human and have flaws I have learnt a great deal from, I have always stood to ideals over excuses, truth over pleasure, and honesty over luxury. I don't make excuses for myself if I make a mistake, I admit the mistake and defend those who argue that such things are wrong. Its the least someone can do in a society long used to making excuses to justify their petty selves and weak souls.

it seems like honesty is a huge virtue for you...
i'd say it's the same for me, for the most part....but i must admit that sometimes i find ways to get around certain things. like when i know that somebody just wouldnt understand my motives if i told the truth, then i bend it a little bit. but never to an unforgiveable extent. only to such an extent that it doesnt negatively affect anybody, and doesnt jeopardize people's trust in me. im a good kid :) lol

i make mistakes and occasionally defend myself thru excuses...i know it doesnt sound too good..lol..
first of all, im afraid to make mistakes - which is the biggest mistake i can make. it's not really a mistake, it just isnt such a good way of thinking. i often forget that i'm only human, and that it's alright. i spend 99% of my time dwelling over the mistakes ive made, and making mountains out of mole-hills. sometimes im unable to let go of things that dont even matter. i spend too much time thinking, and not nuff time doing. if not my own mistakes, i dwell over others'...

but everybody is different. everybody is correct according to themselves; nobody should judge anybody else because nobody knows what goes on in other people's minds.

Life for me has always been a box of promises inside a box of promises, a box of "truths" inside box of "truths" and this pattern and hierarchy seems to be never ending even beyond life. At times, it is as though, the entry to the next level of truth will make us free or give us what we so craved in the world we left, yet ironically we are back where we started, in a world more grand, yet a world with limits, a truth with barriers. This is the sad irony of humanity. In its quest for truth and freedom, it continues to live in a world of boxes only tasting imitations of what it so craves and becoming too intoxicated to notice.

Some days I find it very ironic that I get so involved, so intimate in a world I see as so shallow, so fake. I am not talking about people or society, but the very core of our world. Passions derived from chemicals and fluids in our body and brain, images haunting my memories, a child holding his dead father in his arms, a baby dirty and crying in the middle of ruined homes, naked, alone, with the sound of bombs in the background......images, sounds that bring me to tears......the very symbolism of it all.......a picture, a phrase, a sound...things I am so passionate about.....love, family, honour.....why?! The very mechanisms that bring me to feel this way....the fluids and organs in my body, the elements that allow me to see, to feel, to be human when looked in depth and detail......almost takes away from my humanity. The more I learn about how I feel human, the less I feel human. I crave for more. When the mystery of the magic trick is discovered, the magic loses its appeal, the magician no longer becomes a man with a mysterious craft, but an ordinary man whose craft can be replicated by any one with time to practice. I fear that humanity is destined to follow the ultimate yet tragic path of the magician's magic trick.

This is the sad tragedy of humanity!

The more we think, the less we know. Sometimes I feel as though the realm of thoughts and ideas is like a chinese finger trap, the more we think and reason, the more we tighten ourselves within the confines of a fixed and illusionary world. Is this not what we see today with humanity? We relate things we have never known, seen, tasted, touched, heard, smelt to things we have. It is in our nature, just as it is in the nature of man to pull away his fingers from a trap that holds his fingers tightly together, not knowing that in the process he is furthering the grip of the trap and weakening his chances of breaking free of its hold. Likewise, the more we think and reason, the more we relate to our illusionary world, the more tightly we wrap ourselves in the chains of bondage that hold our mind from thinking beyond. Thus, we further bury ourselves deeper in ignorance, becoming less aware of the reality and more obsessed with the shadow of it.

This is the irony, the more we think and reason, the more ignorant we become of the realities beyond our world. This cannot be understood when looking at it through the eyes and minds confined to this world, but to a mind free from its chains.

There is something more to us than thoughts and reason, something more powerful, something beyond our feeble minds, and something that made prophets understand the world beyond this one.

wow...u musta gotten a really high english mark eh... :p


thats deep. topics that many subconsciously think about, but not everyone can organize their thots or write em out like you did....nor can they/we think quite that deeply and relate those thots to one another...thats amazing..mashallah..

Your similar....very similar......I respect your thoughts.......

thanx guys lol yeah I always got straight As.

My life hasn't been an easy route....its been an uphill struggle to keep outside the disgusting "norm" many people my age have come to assume is "okay"....one thing I have always learnt though is to never lie to myself, to know my limits and boundaries and not to let my guard down easily to petty things like experimenting with drugs, with sex, etc. My mother used to tell me when I was much younger that my great grandfather used to often cry during early morning prayers and when my great grandmother would ask him why he was crying he would say that he kept having dreams that a time will come when there will be a mass exodus of our people who will come to reside in foreign countries and their children and their children's children will become kafir, will forget who they are and where they came from. Sadly the more I look around, the more I realize how much truth he knew then, how much truth and pain his tears symbolized. It has always been a strong motivation for me and my views have developed enough to understand the false illusion and pig-like consumption mentality so prevalent here in the West leads to nothing but further emptiness.

The curtain covering our eyes to the truth is thinner than a spider's web, yet the ignorance covering our mind is deeper than an ocean's depth.

Its salt on my wounds when so many died, so many of our people, and most of the ones lucky enough to escape and come here COMPLETELY forget where they came from, the hell they escaped. It is a spit on the face of our martyred, on the face of the young girl who was trembling from shock and whose face and hand were partly blown off by a anti-personnel mine disguised as a toy when our people here waste what life they have been given a chance to fully live (unlike that little girl). If judged on the merits of what we have achieved here individually, how many of us would be allowed to live over those in Afghanistan that died (who probably could have achieved more)? I often feel that there was someone far greater than me that died, and here I was the lucky one to live....a luck I probably didn't deserve.

I'm a stranger meeting strangers on the road to Somewhere Far Away. Some of them I learn to love, others I learn to trust; some learn to love and trust me, and yet others push me into a raging fire. I'm trying to learn to heal every burn and move on, and not throw myself into another fire willingly. There are moments when I look back and miss the flames that only meant to hurt me, and then I understand with a sudden sadness that it's meant to be this way. Some of the most important lessons come in painful disguises. But is it normal to want something that was never any good for me?
I'm someone who is trying to breathe a little deeper every day, trying a little harder to mean what I say. Trying to just be me in every single way.

Anyway My manager just told me not to stress as one of his close friends passed away a week ago due to a heart attack and that I should enjoy life.

But it isn't stress, it is disinterest. Sort of like eating a bad breakfast and ruining your appetite for an entire day or week. I have lost my appetite for the pleasures of life. No, this isn't a suicide note with the words "Goodbye cruel world" scribbled at the buttom....you weirdos. This is one of those days where nothing in life interests me.

wow you are so smart..let me kidnap your brains for one day na!:D i will bring em back, i promise!:D

noway I have to work lol

Hahaha....same here...I here that way too often.....

*cries*
:(

Leila...can u unblock me please????...i'm so sorry...i was kidding.....:(

lol can u take this convo to another topic ....this one is special

Sorry.....

no probz

lol can u take this convo to another topic ....this one is special
There is no convo here, you can continue writing your thoughts in here:)

I dont write stories just my thoughts ....

At times I feel humanity is a mule following a dangling carrot whose presence overshadows the greater purpose of his existence. Confined to a mind that is limited in comprehension and scope, we become amused at what petty "truths" we discover, not realizing there is a greater purpose out there. Too entangled with the goal of reaching that carrot, we neither reach it, nor understand the purpose of why the carrot was dangling in front of our face in the first place.

Okey, sorry sorry! i already edited my post, happy?:D

lolz ok now

Good good:D

you know..you should write a book, seriously i think you go it in you lol:D

where are u from ??

Nah I dont like writing books....lol


Last night I went to order takeout and this one dude ordered 150 breads and others who were waiting in line to order 2-5 breads had to wait...a very long time. The guys who run the store have no clue on how a store should be run, they have a "photography" section that just takes up space, they get like maybe 1-2 customers a week, while the bread section of their store is the "bread and butter" of their business and yet they have the worst service, and lose a lot of customers due to the long waits and bad service. They have shelves full of books, and china and other stuff no one buys, that takes up space. Just turn the damn store into a bread silo, thats what the majority (I'd say almost 90%) of the customers come for. I mean how much more obvious can people make it. Some people just weren't born to run a business.


oh yea I have take my pic down
and guys dont copy my thoughts



*goes back to afghanforum.com*

this time i read the whole paragraph:D i guess i m not lazy today:p