Funny Quotes

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.


My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.


What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.


If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.


If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.


Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.


Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.

LOOOOLLL these are really funny quotes Andy LMAO!!
hihi..thank you for making me laff..i hope you live another 100years:D:D

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. :D

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

LOl these are gr8 :D

lol the one abt the psychiatrist is really funny:D

'I heard you love donkeys a lot', said A.

'I love you a lot too', replied B.

loooooooool funny stuff :D

tfs sim and andy!!!